Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Never Thin Enough...Part V

One year after relocating, I took a vacation to Jamaica. It was there, that I met my future husband. My 5'8 frame was weighing in at 122 pounds. I had gained nine pounds throughout the course of 365 days. I was feeling terrific. Despite the weight gain, I still felt thin. I didn't look in the mirror and see fat. I looked in the mirror and was surprisingly appreciative of my figure. I was comfortable in my bathing suit as-is and this was progress.

I wish I could say that at that point I was also no longer using diet pills. However, they remained a staple of each passing day. I've often heard stories of how smokers gain weight when they quit smoking. I was terrified that if I quit taking the pills, I would fall victim of the same fate. Never mind the harm I was doing to my heart - but who needs a healthy heart, when you could have a skinny body. Yes, the mind of an anorexic knows how to prioritize. Thin comes first, health comes last.

I had started a long distance relationship, fallen in love and remained independent. I was in Nashville, Tennessee and he was in California. My new boyfriend was unaware of my eating habits. My new love was unaware of the tactics I went through to remain thin. If he knew, would he be disgusted by me.  If he knew, would he sill love me.  I led him to believe that my body was simply genetics. The charade was easy to pull off with the distance between us.

Several months had passed and I became a bride.  Suddenly I had someone else accounting for my health. I was no longer able to pop pills without being ridiculed and lectured. My husband was not going to allow me to destruct my body any longer. He had fallen in love with the thin version of me.  Would he still be attracted to me if I gained more weight? This proposed a problem.



  1. Clearly, your definition of love was incorrect. Whilst you were asking yourself if your husband would still love you if you gained weight, the more obvious questions should have been "Will my husband still love me AND stay with me when upon realizing that I lied, deceived, and manipulated him by hiding this disorder?" A relationship based upon dishonesty is a dishonest relationship. You also put his military career at risk if you were to receive therapy for your disorder. Any spouse who has received some form of counseling/therapy thus prevents his/her spouse from being stationed abroad. I wonder how you would have felt if your husband hid things from you? You were lucky you found a good man who was able to forgive you, but I guess secrets, lies, and deception are the best ways to get a man, become a bride, and a wife. Congratulations!

  2. I commend and respect your honesty and willingness to share. It is refreshing and I know you are helping people. Don t listen to BS anon comments!

  3. I can't believe people can be filled with such hate.

    Ang, you are really brave to share your story with us.


  4. A, I think it is truly brave of you to open up and share your struggles in so public a forum. I wish more people did, as media, among other things, inundate young girls with impossible, unhealthy, and airbrushed images of "perfection" that are not only unattainable, but when one spends enough time at the squadron bar, one learns that it's not terribly attractive to men anyway! That's right, "Anonymous," I said squadron bar, as in military. The very same military with whom, what was that you said..."You also put his military career at risk if you were to receive therapy for your disorder. Any spouse who has received some form of counseling/therapy thus prevents his/her spouse from being stationed abroad." Check your facts before you spout off because you are having a bad day/feeling fat/a generally nasty person. I'd be would and, to name but a supply you with the FACTS. I further question your choice to emphasize the word AND. You correct A's definition of love, but I question anyone's definition of love that makes a distinction between loving and leaving...OVER AN ILLNESS. I am truly sorry for whatever it is that has happened to you to cause you to be so cruel and jaded, but perhaps you could take a page from A's book and learn how to own your problems, work through them, and be HONEST about them in order to inspire others. Something to think about...

  5. Ang, thanks for sharing snippets of your struggles; your story. I am sure there is much more raw emotion to the story that you cannot possibly convey in words. Shame on those who feel so compelled to publicly, yet anonymously post hateful comments. Clearly Anonymous does not understand that no cutting words could hurt more than your own realization of the self destruction you were putting yourself through. Stay strong.

  6. Irony: (Overheard in a public setting many years ago) Upon observing an elderly woman debilitated by osteopersosis and bound to a portable oxygen tank, "Shouldn't have smoked for all those years!" was uttered by ..........................Ms. Positive Diary of a Domestic Failure's husband. Assuming one can only judge if they do not love someone, naiivity is bliss.

  7. Ugh! Anon, have you ever read marriage vows? "in sickness and in healthy" Was she suppose to tattoo it on her forehead? "I have an eating disorder. Beware!" anorexia is an illness and Aaron has been nothing but supportive as she struggled to get healthy. You are truly a mean person at heart. People can always say they should have changed things in hindsight, which is all your little "heard in passing" story is. Instead of casting judgement on others and their marriage, maybe you should devote that time and energy into making yourself a better person.

    Ang, pay no attention to people who can give such harsh "criticism" and don't have the balls to own up to what they say and hide like a coward. I think she could learn a few things from you. :-). Love ya, sis!